By Katherine Metzelaar, MSN, RDN, CD

Your relationship with your body didn't develop overnight.

Long before you had words like body image or diet culture, you were paying attention to the adults around you. You noticed how they talked about their bodies, how they talked about other people's bodies, what they believed about food, and what they feared about weight gain. Whether those messages were spoken directly to you or simply modeled over and over again, they became part of the environment you grew up in.

Of course, your relationship with your body isn't shaped by one person or one experience. It's influenced by many things, including diet culture, trauma, systems like fatphobia and sexism, illness, disability, eating disorders, and your own lived experiences.

One place to begin is by exploring the relationship your parents or caregivers had with their own bodies.

Let's start with my mom. I'll share a bit of my own story.

I grew up watching my mom struggle deeply with her body, right up until the last months and days of her life. She avoided pictures and videos, constantly criticized her body, and spent years trying to diet away the parts of herself that she believed were unacceptable or undesirable.

Unsurprisingly, she was put on her first diet around 7 years old, a shockingly common age for children to begin dieting. The roots of her own body shame ran deep. She was teased about her body by both family and peers, experienced significant weight stigma in healthcare settings, and lived in a culture that constantly reinforced the idea that her body needed to change.

She desperately wanted something different for me. She wanted me to grow up with a more peaceful relationship with my body than she had. But despite her love and her intentions, I was still impacted by the way she related to her own body.

Intent does not negate impact.

If your mom struggled with her body, she wasn't alone.

We live in a culture that teaches women their bodies are projects to fix. From an early age, many women learn to fear weight gain, chase thinness, compare themselves to others, and believe they'll finally be happier or more worthy once their bodies change.

That's why it's actually far more common to grow up with a mom who criticized her body than one who felt at peace in it.

Realizing that your mom's relationship with her body may have shaped yours can bring up a lot of emotions. You might feel sad, angry, protective of your mom, or even guilty for acknowledging the impact. All of those feelings can exist at the same time. Even if criticizing her body was "just what mom did" or completely normal in your home, your brain was paying attention.

The more often we're exposed to an idea, the more familiar it becomes, and familiarity has a powerful influence on what our brains come to expect, notice, and believe. So if you repeatedly heard your mom criticize her body, celebrate weight loss, fear gaining weight, or talk about food in rigid ways, those messages didn't just stay with her. Over time, they likely became part of the way you learned to think about bodies, food, and even yourself.

Those messages often aren't conscious. Instead, they quietly become beliefs that can stay with you for years. They might sound something like:

"I have those body parts too. There must be something wrong with me, too."
"If she thinks that about herself, what does she think about me?"
"My body must matter a lot. If I can keep my body looking the 'right' way, maybe I can avoid the pain she's trying so hard to escape."
"If my mom isn't happy in her body, what happens if my body gets bigger? Will people still love me? Will she?"
"She says she'll finally be happy once her body changes. Maybe that's true for me, too."
"She talks about fat like it's the worst thing someone can be. What does that mean about my body?"

It's important to remember that this isn't about blaming your mom.

She was shaped by the same culture you're trying to navigate now. She learned messages about bodies, food, and worth long before she ever became a parent. Like so many women, she may have been doing the best she could with the messages she had internalized.

Understanding how her relationship with her body impacted yours isn't about assigning blame. It's about making sense of your own story.

When you understand where some of your beliefs came from, you can begin to decide which ones you want to keep and which ones you're ready to let go. You can make space to grieve what wasn't modeled for you, develop compassion for the parts of your mom that were hurting, and most importantly, begin creating a different relationship with your own body.

If you're ready to start exploring how your mom's relationship with her body may have shaped yours, these reflection questions are a good place to begin.

Reflection Questions

You don't have to remember every conversation or comment your mom made for these influences to have mattered. Sometimes it was the small, repeated messages that shaped us the most.As you reflect on your own relationship with your body, consider asking yourself some of these questions or journaling them:

What do you remember feeling when you heard your mom criticize her body?
Were you confused, afraid, sad, protective, disappointed, or something else?
What words did your mom use to describe her body?
Do you notice yourself using any of those same words to describe your own body today?
Were there specific body parts your mom frequently criticized?
If so, do you notice yourself struggling with those same body parts?
What feelings come up as you consider that your mom's relationship with her body may have influenced yours?
What do you notice? Can you offer yourself compassion for what you're beginning to understand?
Did you ever find yourself thinking, "If my mom believes those things about her body, what does that mean about mine?"
If so, what was that like for you?

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can your mom's relationship with her body affect yours?

Yes. Children learn about bodies by observing the people around them. Repeatedly hearing a parent criticize their body, diet, or fear weight gain can shape how a child learns to think about their own body. While this doesn't determine your future, understanding these influences can be an important part of healing your relationship with food and your body.

What if my mom never criticized my body, only her own?

Children don't have to be the direct target of body criticism to be affected by it. Repeatedly watching a parent criticize their own body, fear weight gain, or constantly diet can shape how children learn to think about bodies, food, and their own worth.

Is this article about blaming moms?

No. Most mothers were raised in the same culture that taught them to fear weight gain and pursue thinness. The goal isn't to assign blame, but to better understand how those experiences may have shaped your own relationship with your body so you can begin healing.

Can you heal from growing up with a mom who hated her body?

Yes. While those early messages can have a lasting impact, they don't have to define your future. With awareness, support, and practice, it's possible to build a more compassionate and peaceful relationship with your body.

How Your Mom’s Body Image Impacted Your Body Image: 5 Questions You can Ask Yourself to Learn More